We are the kids that your parents warned you about
You’ll probably meet someone who carries both the light and the dark in their heart. Someone who will never fail to tell you that you’re beautiful, but struggles to look in the mirror. Someone who remembers your birthday, the celebs you fangirl about, your biggest fears, the things you love and why you love them. You might meet someone who’ll sit with you when you’re down, and celebrate your triumphs as though they are your own.
You’ll probably meet someone who calls you on your shit when you need to hear it. Someone who keeps quiet when you just need to talk. Someone with laughter in their eyes and wit on their tongues. Someone you will fight with, but won’t stop caring for.
I want you
to think about kissing
as much as I
Purple sinks when night worse
Her words echo through my mind, it’s sounds like a scream from within the worst kind of nightmare.
She yells in my face staring at me with those greens and I freeze; I just know what’s coming, just like I did as a child, the fear feels real just like it did then. Maybe she isn’t hitting me like she did back then but these words cut worse then a blade ever did.
Miss understood, second guessing, insane madness..
I need to realise it never ends and she will never changes, she is never getting better and this is it - this is her. I am 25, why haven’t I already figured this out for fucks sake.
Everything has changed because I can’t lose him because of her actions and her words. I love him too much and I want to build a future with this man - I can’t let her dictate my life anymore, I can’t just stand by and take it. So why do I feel so guilty, why do I feel like its all my fault?
She told me she wished she aborted me, and that I destroyed her life. If I had just died one of the many times she tried to kill me when I was inside her she wouldn’t have had to experience so much negativity.
If I am the source of all her pain and she hates me so much - why doesn’t she leave - run away with her new rich boyfriend, her supposed prince charming. - more importantly why don’t I want her to leave.. Why do I love her so much and care so much why half the things she says to me make me feel like I am completely worthless.. make me feel like I want to die or worse drag a jagged dirty blade across my skin; just to feel the pain, to watch the blood - seek the punishment I deserve.
Why does she bring this out in me, this person within—- I am trying to forget to leave behind to contain.. I hate these thoughts whilst I have the self control now the images still haunt me.
She accused me of sleeping with my step-dad today and perverting him away from her. She says supposedly I am the sole reason they didn’t last because I am always around ‘needing her’ and with all my self caused pathetic imposing problems.. I made him focus on me and not her - you know because I am soooo in love him of course…
She told me that my Fiance was far too good for me and that everyone is laughing at me because they know I will fail him and he will realise how worthless I am. She told me I should’ve just killed myself because no one really wants me around any way. That I am loser, I am dumb, I am and will make a terrible youth worker, mother, wife, sibling, friend and daughter.
add baby killer, slut, junkie, fat pig and you get the complete idea of my morning.
Whenever she does this, and yes its not the first time, for hours, days weeks after I think about every time she has verbally or physically abused me and it plays in my head like a movie on repeat.. ‘you will never be anything’… ‘disgraceful slut’… ‘pathetic dumb loser’ … ‘junkie baby killer’ … ‘suck another dick - its all you are good at’ - so on and so on.. it just rings in my ears deafening me.. I feel like she is right.. after all she has been telling me so long there must be some truth in it.
I hate being this sad - its so hard to love and hate someone at the same time. I want her my life but as the same time I don’t —- sometimes when I look in her eyes I want to punch her fucking face in, I want to see her bleed.. for all the times I have bled for her. I know its not the answer, if I do that I am no better than her.
Right now I don’t feel like I am worth anything to anyone.. I feel ashamed; Indie has had to see so much, hear so much - pick me up off the fall when I am feeling to weak to stand.. I don’t want to lose him or for him to see me when it all goes black - I don’t want to ever have to feel that way again..
So next week we are looking for houses and moving out— the wedding has been put off until an unknown time so we can save for fertility treatment and finding a nice house to rent and such. I am trying to focus of TAFE but its really hard to focus on a lot. trying to smile is hard enough.
Stuntkid aka Jason Levesque - 1: Cassandra, 2013 Digital Arts: Drawings 2: Donkey Skin, 2010 Paintings: Watercolors 3: Anatomical Apnea, 2010 4: Fleshing Out, 2010 5: Loose Lips, 2010 6: Something Wicked, 2012 7: Mia Wallace, 2011 8: Flutter, 2011 9: Paint Job, 2011 Digital Arts: Drawings